WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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