She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
