i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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