I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
