im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
