guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize