literally had 100 drinks last night.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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