Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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