Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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