Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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