The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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