I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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