My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
