did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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