the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
