I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
