Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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