there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
