we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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