Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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