I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
