i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
