What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
