you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
