I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
