i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
