The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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