oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I fill condoms, not promises.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
