I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
