i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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