how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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