I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
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