Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize