Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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