i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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