I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
