so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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