I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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