I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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