when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
