he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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