The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
