Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
