There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
