im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
