Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
A bitchslap is in order.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
