From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
