and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize