Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
