Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
