so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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