Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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