I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Found the puke drawer
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
